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Most
folks are about as happy as they
make up their minds to be.
There are 2 times when a man does
not understand a woman... You
know you're getting old when you
stoop to tie your shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're
down there. The
man who views the world at 50 the
same as he did at 20 has wasted 30
years of his life." Fred & Gerry We don't do drugs anymore cause we find we get the same effect just by standing up really fast. Fred & Gerry
"Youth is when you're allowed to
stay up late on New Year's Eve.
Middle age is when you're forced
to."
"Testosterone is a great
equalizer. It turns all men
into morons." -
Anonymous
"With girls I don't get no
respect. I had a blind date. I
waited two hours on the corner. A
girl walked by. I said 'Are you
Louise?' She said, 'Are you
Rodney?' I said, 'Yeah.' She said,
'I'm not Louise.'"
"Keep your eyes wide open before
marriage, half shut afterwards."
They say absence makes the heart
grow fonder, so I figure that's
why my boyfriend moved." "It
wasn't easy to juggle a pregnant
wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight
hours of TV a day." "For years, my husband and I advocated separate vacations, but the kids kept finding us."
- Erma Bombeck
"Happiness is seeing the muscular
lifeguard all the girls were
admiring leave the beach hand in
hand with another muscular
lifeguard."
Marriage
Quotes
"There are two kinds of thinkers
in the world. Those who think they
can and those who think they
can't...and they're both usually
right." -Unknown
"It's not me who can't keep a
secret it's the people I tell that
can't."
Part of the inhumanity of the
computer is that, once it is
competently programmed and working
smoothly, it is completely honest. "If
all you have is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a
nail." -
"As
the French say, there are three
sexes: Men, women and
clergymen."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles
your chances for a date on
Saturday night."
I believe that
sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that
money can buy." "According to
the American Medical Association,
sleeping less has been linked to
big guts on men. They say
getting more quality sleep creates
lean tissue. So women, next
time you see your man sprawled on
the couch over the weekend, Leave
him alone, he's working out." Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions. They're more easily handled than dumb mistakes.
The
government solution to a problem
is usually as bad as the problem.
This is my simple religion. There
is no need for temples; no need
for complicated philosophy. Our
own brain, our own heart is our
temple; the philosophy is
kindness. "I
like long walks -- especially when
they are taken by people who annoy
me." -Fred
Allen
Don't judge each day by the
harvest you reap, but by the seeds
you plant. "To
err is human. To really foul
things up requires a computer."
-Philip
Howard
Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how
"You know what's the worst thing
about being the best man at
Opinion is ultimately determined
by the feeling, and not by the
intellect.
Just think, if it weren't for
marriage, men would go through
Seen on the headstone of an
atheist, "Here lies an atheist,
"Just think, Monica Lewinsky turns
28 years old this year! It He
who cannot forgive others destroys
the bridge over which
Junk is something you've kept for
years and throw away three
Living on Earth is expensive, but
it does include a free trip around
the sun. A
woman drove me to drink and I
didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
Beer is proof that God loves us
and wants us to be happy.
Give to the world the best you
have, and the best will come back
to you.
Cowards die many times before
their deaths; the valiant never
taste of death but once.
Morals are private. Decency is
public.
Live as though it were your last
day on earth. Some day you
Many people will walk in and out
of your life, but only
"The trouble with being punctual
is that nobody's there to
An
intellectual snob is someone who
can listen to the "When
I was a kid I used to pray every
night for a new bicycle. As
I grow older, I pay less attention
to what men say. I just I
love deadlines. I especially like
the whooshing sound they My
kids never understood my logic.
Both of them failed to see
"Sometimes I lie awake at night,
and I ask, 'Where have I
Nature arms each man with some
faculty which enables him The
winners in life think constantly
in terms of I can, I
"Dogs come when they're called;
cats take a message and get "I
have to talk to my girlfriend
every day on the phone. My
It's hard to make a comeback when
you haven't been anywhere. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere If
God wanted me to touch my toes, he
would have put them on my
Kids in the back seat cause
accidents; accidents in the back
seat
"Always forgive your enemies.
Nothing annoys them so much." You
yourself, as much as anybody in
the entire Universe, He that will not
reason is a bigot, He that cannot
reason is The
ultimate result of shielding men
from the effects of "I
know some good marriages -
marriages where both people are
When a man says he approves of
something in principle, it Air Canada????
"According to a new report, this
year airline passengers have
"The day I worry about cleaning my
house is the day Sears
Sooner or later we must realize
there is no station, no one The
greatest happiness of life is the
conviction that we are "I
could tell my parents were smoking
pot when I was a kid. I
always turn to the sports pages
first, which records
There is real magic in enthusiasm.
It spells the difference
"Critics say that Andy Warhol's
famous portraits of Camp- We
are all in the gutter, but some of
us are looking at After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Better to be occasionally cheated
than perpetually suspicious.
"The taxpayer - that's someone who
works for the federal "An
archeologist is the best husband a
woman can have; the older she
gets, the more interested he is in
her."
"America is the only nation in
history which miraculously has "Of
course I'm proud that you invented
the electric light I
have found the best way to give
advice to your children is The
length of a minute is depends on
what side of the bath- One
problem with gazing too frequently
into the past is that
"With my wife I don't get no
respect. I made a toast on her You
have not converted a man because
you have silenced him.
There is no such thing as a
'self-made' man. We are made up An
alcoholic is someone you don't
like who drinks as much The
hearts of the great can be
changed.
There is only one corner of the
universe you can be certain of
improving and that is your own
self.
I was wise
enough to never grow up while
fooling most people we've learned
that it takes years to build up
trust, and it only takes we've learned
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are we've learned
that you can keep vomiting long
after you think you're we've learned
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship we've learned
that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in we've learned
that the people you care most
about in life are taken The
biggest conspiracy has always been
the fact that there The
only way in which one human being
can properly attempt
There is just enough room in the
world for all the people in
Many risks fail because they were
not taken in time. Too many risks
are postponed until unnecessarily
elaborate preparations are
made...Don't sit back waiting for
the perfect moment. It almost
never comes.
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is
a lot of people doing what I say."
"We
know that communication is a
problem, but the company is One
day my Boss asked me to submit a
status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked
him if tomorrow would be soon
enough. He said "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!"
People who soar are those who
refuse to sit back, sigh and wish
things would change. They
neither complain of their lot nor
passively dream of some distant
ship coming in. Rather, they
visualize in their minds that they
are not quitters; they will not
allow life's circumstances to push
them down and hold them under.
Time is the coin of your life. It
is the only coin you have, and
only you can determine how it will
be spent. Be careful lest you let
other people spend it for you. The
trouble with doing something right
the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
There is a fine line between a
"hobby" and "mental illness". If the world didn't suck, we would fall off.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody
going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac. "We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
Vince Lombardi
Unhappiness is not knowing what we
want and killing ourselves to get
it.
"Time is infinitely more precious
than money, and there is nothing
common "I
come from a stupid family. During
the civil war my great uncle
fought for the west!" -
Rodney Dangerfield The
surest way to corrupt a youth is
to instruct him to hold in higher
regard those who think alike than
those who think differently. "Whoever said, 'No man is an island,' has obviously never seen my stomach in the bath tub." - Bruce Streibel
Hollywood is the only place you
can wake up in the morning and
hear the birds coughing in the
trees.
There is only one pretty child in
the world and every mother has it.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
The
means by which we live have
outdistanced the ends for which we
live. Our scientific power has
outrun our spiritual power. We
have guided missiles and misguided
men. "I
went to an authentic Mexican
restaurant. The waiter poured the
water and then warned me not to
drink it."
Many ideas grow better when
transplanted into another mind
than in the one they where they
sprang up.
Show me a man with both feet on
the ground and I'll show you a man
who can't put on his pants.
They can't censor the gleam in my
eye. My
mother didn't breast-feed me. She
said she liked me as a friend. We love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
"Laugh, and the world laughs with
you. Pass gas at your in-laws
dinner table - man, NOW your
talking comedy."
Ever notice how it's a penny for
your thoughts, yet you put in your
two-cents? Someone is making a
penny on the deal. I
am extraordinarily patient,
provided I get my own way in the
end. I
can resist everything except
temptation. A
careful study of economics usually
reveals that the best time to buy
anything is last year. For
a man to achieve all that is
demanded of him he must regard
himself as greater than he is.
If
parents would only realize how
they bore their children. You
are forgiven for your happiness
and your successes only if you
generously consent to share them. It
is not because things are
difficult that we do not dare, it
is because we do not dare that
they are difficult. The
wisdom of life consists in the
elimination of nonessentials.
Duty is what one expects from
others, it is not what one does
oneself. You
are always a valuable, worthwhile
human being, not because anybody
says so, not because you're
successful, not because you make a
lot of money, but because you
decide to believe it and for no
other reason. You
can clutch the past so tightly to
your chest, that it leaves your
arms too full to embrace the
present. I
have found that when confronted
with a difficult choice, the
hardest thing to do is usually the
right thing to do. You
are always a valuable, worthwhile
human being, not because anybody
says so, not because you're
successful, not because you make a
lot of money, but because you
decide to believe it and for no
other reason. Far
away there in the sunshine are my
highest aspirations. I may not
reach them, but I can look up and
see their beauty, believe in them,
and try to follow where they lead.
Truth
does not change according to our
ability to stomach it.
"Whoever called it necking was a
poor judge of anatomy."
To be
nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing it's night and day
to make you everybody else means
to fight the hardest battle which
any human being can fight, and
never stop fighting.
Tolerance is only another name for
indifference.
"When
you see the writing on the
wall.... you can bet you're in a
public restroom."
"I
believe you should live each day
as if it were your last, which is
why I never have any clean
clothes. Because, come on, who
wants to do laundry on the last
day of their lives?"
"The
trouble with being punctual is
that there's nobody there to
appreciate it."
"You
know you're going out with someone
too young for you when they say,
'Did you know Paul McCartney was
in a band before Wings?'"
My
wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four
RCMP officers and a police dog to
keep us apart.
ALLIANCE, In
international politics, the union
of two thieves who have their
hands so deeply inserted into each
other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
It
takes a big man to cry, but it
takes a bigger man to laugh at
that man.
Life
is a succession of lessons which
must be lived to be understood.
"Start
off every day with a smile and get
it over with."
Everything is funny as long as
it's happening to someone else.
Life
is a succession of lessons which
must be lived to be understood.
"I
have made good judgments in the
past. I have made good
"I
haven't committed a crime. What I
did was fail to comply
Politics gives guys so much power
that they tend to behave
The
Internet is a great way to get on
the Net.
"I
just got one of those new devices
that make my cell phone 'hands
free.' Now I can get back to
eating and drinking when I drive."
The
highest reward for a person's toil
is not what they get for it,
but what they become by it.
I
can't stand cheap people. It makes
me real mad when someone says
something like, 'Hey, when are you
going to pay me that $100 you owe
me?' or 'Do you have the $50 you
borrowed?' Man, quit being so
cheap!
"Too
bad the only people who know how
to run the country are
"I'm
looking for a perfume to overpower
men - I'm sick of karate."
"Hanging is too good for a man who
makes puns; he should be drawn and
quoted.
Tell
your friend a lie. If he keeps it
secret, then tell him the truth.
"There
are only two truly infinite
things, the universe and
stupidity. And I am unsure about
the universe."
"The
purpose of a liberal education is
to make you philosophical enough
to accept the fact that you will
never make much money."
Everyone thinks of changing the
world, but no one thinks of
It
doesn't matter how much you want.
What really matters is how much
you want it. The extent and
complexity of the problem does not
matter was much as does the
willingness to solve it.
Our
lives begin to end the day we
become silent about things
"Bigamy is having one wife too
many. Monogamy is the same."
"The
day I worry about cleaning my
house is the day Sears comes out
with a riding vacuum cleaner."
"The
problem with the designated driver
program, it's not a desirable job. --- Jeff Foxworthy
"You
can say any foolish thing to a
dog, and the dog will give you a
look
---Dave
Barry
Living
on Earth is expensive, but it does
include a free trip around the
sun.
Wisdom
is not a product of schooling but
of the lifelong attempt to acquire
it.
The
true value of a human being is
determined primarily by how he has
attained liberation from the self.
"I
like to tease my plants. I water
them with ice cubes."
-Rita
Rudner -Ronald Reagan
We can easily forgive a child who
is afraid of the dark.
There's only one way to have a
happy marriage, and as soon
"We are not retreating - we are
advancing in another direction."
Happiness is having a large,
loving, caring, close-knit
"A smile is the light in your
window that tells others that
there is a caring,
"There are no secrets to success:
Don’t waste time looking for
them.
"It is useless to hold a person to
anything he says while he’s in
love,
"It is necessary for me to
establish a winner image.
"If you are experiencing
resistance, you must exert some
persistence
"The grass is always greener on
the other side, until you jump the
This year will go down in history.
For the first time, a civilized
nation has
"Life is like a mine field, you
must walk through it one step at a
time, but
We do not inherit this land from
our ancestors;
"Efforts and courage are not
enough without purpose and
direction."
"Do not follow where the path my
lead.
"Love does not consist in gazing
at each other, but in looking
"Luck: when preparation and
opportunity meet."
"Liberty is always dangerous, but
it is the safest thing we have."
Honor is the one thing no one can
take from you;
"The minute you start talking
about what you are going to
"Hate is baggage. Life’s too short
to be pissed off all the time.
"Everyday the world turns over on
someone who's just
In difficult situations when hope
seems feeble, the boldest plans
are the safest
"Things turn out best for those
that make the best of the
Many a doctrine is like a window
pane. We see truth through
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